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Apr 5, 2023
This blog is an excerpt from our mini-therapy on this discomfort.
what is a discomfort?
Discomfort is anything that could be stopping you from achieving what you really want to achieve. Any feeling or issue that you’re currently struggling with.
what is a mini-therapy?
A mini-therapy is hyper-personalized, bite-sized content delivered via an immersive and interactive therapy experience on the ‘being’ app. It’s designed by experienced mental health professionals and helps you work through a discomfort by using therapeutic interventions that they would use in in-person therapy.
Note: For the most optimal experience, try the mini-therapy on the ‘being’ app :’)
the excerpt:
Hi there!
It sounds like you're walking with walls around you.
There is a part of you that wants these walls to break down - this is the part that maybe removes one brick here, one there, allowing for a little bit of closeness, a relationship for a short while. But, if it gets too much, if there's too much coming in through these gaps, something in you tells you to put the bricks back up and close the walls again.
You don't want to let anybody into this safe little cave you've created for yourself, even though it might get a little lonely and suffocating in here all by yourself.
When we can tolerate only a little bit of closeness, only for a short while, it suggests we have an inner conflict. We want it, but also, we don't. The part that wants it is acting from a natural, healthy need for companionship, love, and belongingness.
Let's explore the part that pushes everyone away.
I am going to ask you a series of questions. Try to answer them to the best of your ability, but if you need more time, that's okay. You can come back here anytime to continue your reflection.
Guided Journaling Tool
Prompt: At what point does it start feeling 'too much'? Too close, or too long?
Prompt: What do you feel or imagine happening when you reach this point of closeness where you want to take a few steps back?
Prompt: Have you in the past, had more closeness than you can tolerate right now in your life? If yes, how did that go for you?
Prompt: What happens when you step back into your safe space?
Quite often, when we self-sabotage, we are protecting ourselves from some other unpleasant experience. Maybe we fear rejection. Maybe we think that if we let someone get too close to us, they'll see who we really are and won't like it.
Maybe we fear getting hurt in some way, or losing ourselves in a relationship. It might also be that we have spent a lot of time taking care of our own needs, and leaning on someone else feels uncomfortable.
I wonder if this pattern shows up in other areas of your life, too.
For example, do you find yourself not accepting or asking for help at work or school? Do you avoid your family and friends when you're going through a challenge? Why don't we break this down?
On a sheet of paper, make five columns - relationships, work or school, family, friends, and self.
Examining our lives this way can help us identify patterns and core beliefs that hold us back from fulfilling our potential. If you find that you don't sabotage your efforts in other areas of your life as much, that's okay too. Quite often, we can be well-adjusted in other areas of life, but the chinks show up in our romantic partnerships because that's where we're most vulnerable.
Now, pause this mini-therapy, and write down how you might be sabotaging your efforts in other areas of your life.
Now, let's go back to that part of you that wants these walls to break down. The part that craves human connection and lets people in just a little bit. If you were to free this part, what would that be like? What do you think their needs are, and how would they like them to be met?
Let's answer a 'miracle question'. Close your eyes, and let me paint a picture for you.
Visualization Tool
Imagine that tonight, while you're asleep, a miracle happens and someone breaks down this wall around you. The parts of you that feel undeserving of closeness and love. The fears that hold you back. When you wake up tomorrow, you won't have this wall around you. You are free to explore the world without anything within you sabotaging your efforts and needs.
And you have closeness, intimacy, and a sense of belongingness and safety in a long-term relationship.
What does that feel like? What does that look like?
Open your eyes, and tell me all about it.
Guided Journaling Tool
Prompt: How did it feel to have closeness and intimacy?
Prompt: What needs of yours did you see being met without these walls?
Prompt: How were they met? And by whom? By you, or someone else?
Prompt: In what ways were you different in your visualization than you are currently?
Prompt: In what ways were you similar?
Let's stay compassionate toward the part of you that is uncomfortable with too much closeness. This part needs safety. It pushes people away because it wants to feel safe and in control. But you know what?
You can stay psychologically safe even while letting someone get close to you by setting healthy boundaries.
That's right. If you are aware of what your needs are, what makes you uncomfortable, what you're able to give and receive, you can learn ways to communicate this in your relationships and negotiate a middle ground that is comfortable for both you and your romantic partner.
Let me know if you'd like a mini-therapy on that!
Let's end this one with a breathing exercise. I'd like you to imagine a circle at the center of your chest, where your heart rests. If you like, you can place your palms there. Otherwise, simply close your eyes and imagine this circle. Give this circle a pleasant color you like. This circle represents psychological safety.
Now, take a deep breath in with me and imagine this circle becoming bigger… for 4, 3, 2, 1.
Let's hold that breath and allow this psychological safety to spread through your entire body, for 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
And now, as you exhale, give yourself a gentle, loving smile. Picture your entire body filling up with this color of psychological safety, and allow your body to relax.
Let's do this a few more times.
Breathing Tool
Remember, you can come back here any time you want to reflect, and work on allowing love and care into your life. You deserve it.
Take care, and just be! 💜