When something bad happens I feel anxious. I don't feel like it's okay..like there's something telling me that I'll never be happy and content, and the idea of being happy, is just alien to me

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Apr 4, 2023

This blog is an excerpt from our mini-therapy on this discomfort.

what is a discomfort?

what is a mini-therapy?

Note: For the most optimal experience, try the mini-therapy on the ‘being’ app :’)

the excerpt:

Hey, it's only natural to wish for good things in our lives. And it makes sense to feel out of control and anxious when things don’t work in our favor.

Anxiety as an emotion, when unchecked, can push us into thinking in a self-critical manner. We may also tend to blow things out of proportion, magnify the possibility of something bad happening to us and truly believe them to be true.

I understand. Your emotions are real and a natural response to the situation.

It takes so much insight and courage to acknowledge, express and reach out for support. I'm glad you're here. Together, we'll work to understand the cause behind your discomfort, how it's impacting your well-being and eventually learn some tools and techniques to cope with it.

The bio-psychosocial model of anxiety proposed by Georgy Engel, says that whenever we feel anxious, our brain, in particular a part of the brain called the amygdala, sends a warning-like signal against real or imagined danger to us.

Our body then reacts by gathering energy to deal with the real or imagined danger or pushing it away to avoid discomfort. We also lack the ability to problem solve and make informed decisions when we are anxious. But there is still a way of gaining control over the brain and sending a safety message back to it.

You can do this by controlling your breath when anxious.

Here's why it works.

Our bodies natural response to danger is by increasing our heart-rate, breathing, tensing our muscles to fight or run. And so conscious deep breathing helps us send a message of safety and well-being.

A well-researched breathing tool for anxiety is called the '4-7-8 breathing technique'.

Slowly breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 7 seconds, and slowly relax and breathe out through your mouth for 8 seconds. This is like blowing a balloon.

Let's try it out together ♥️

How did that feel?

I hope that helped you relax.

Let's move forward and explore this discomfort by reflecting on the situation that made you feel anxious.

Question 1: What are the situations that are most likely to make you feel anxious?

Prompt: e.g., making a mistake during a presentation, being criticised by others, falling short on deadlines, being asked a question, etc.

Question 2: Think and explore. Why do adverse situations make you anxious?

Prompt: E.g., if I make a mistake during a presentation, they may think of me as a fool who does not know what they are doing. That's what makes me feel anxious

Thank you for sharing.

Let's also reflect on how discomfort has impacted the different areas of your life. For example, your work, romantic relationships, family, friends, career, finances, etc.

Question: What role does anxiety play in your career, your relationships, your spiritual life, finances, etc.?

Thank you for reflecting with me.

Thinking about an anxiety-provoking situation can make us anxious.

Take a moment to notice if you're experiencing anxiety right now.

If you feel anxious, close your eyes and notice where in your body you feel this discomfort. Just remain with it. Support it by placing a hand on the part of the body that's causing you discomfort or simply, support yourself by wishing yourself well.

Now let's dive deeper into anxiety as an emotion, and how anxiety left unchecked transforms into thoughts and actions.

Anxiety is deep rooted in fear of the unknown. It can show up as fear of a traumatic or disturbing past repeating itself. For example, if a person nearly drowned in the water while learning to swim, they are more likely to feel fearful when in or around a swimming pool.

It can also show up as a fear of something terrible that could happen. For example, starting a business and thinking about total loss.

What is worth noticing here, is that, as an emotion, the anxiety you feel, is just trying to protect or prepare you for the worst.

It can nudge you into thinking about the worst case scenario loop and leave you feeling down and drained. It can also push you into thinking and acting productively.

Cognitive behavior theory suggests that one of the thinking errors we are most likely to engage in when anxious is magnifying the negative aspects and jumping to conclusions by believing the worst case scenario to be true. For example, thinking I'll never be happy again or I'll always keep chasing happiness.

There are two problems with this outlook. First, it may not be entirely true.

Second, it can make you feel more anxious and incapable of moving forward in a positive manner.

Let's work on this.

Let's pretend we're in a courtroom judging this thought.

Take some deep breaths again and when you’re ready, let's begin reflecting on this:

Are you never going to feel happy and content again?

If yes, provide supporting evidence that proves it is 100% true.

Thank you for sharing!

We often end up in a negative cycle when we feel anxious.

And questioning the thought before believing it to be entirely true can help us choose what is based on reality instead of past wounds and fear.

Let's reaffirm this new belief.

Now let's twist the approach a bit. Ask yourself, what are the things that keep you happy and content?

If you had the choice to think about all the difficult situations that have happened in your life, this time, from a place of new understanding, how would you choose to reframe them?

Lovely, thank you for all your hard work ♥️🙏🏼

Here's another approach to understanding your discomfort better.

This comes from Gestalt therapy. It suggests that each of us has different parts to ourselves. Some align with each other, while others don't. We feel better when we work as a team.

Here, you mentioned that a part of you thinks you'll never feel happy and content. This makes you feel more anxious than ever before. Let's call this ‘the anxious part’.

There's another part of you that wants to feel happy and content. Let's name this ‘the well wisher’. Integrating different parts within us helps us feel peace and balance. Let's do a quick visualization exercise to understand this part and help integrate these parts.

Close your eyes or soften your gaze. Concentrate on your breath and allow it to flow naturally.

Bring forward 'the anxious part' and 'the well-wisher'.

Give 'the well wisher' the chance to ask 'the anxious part' what it really needs. In silence, try to listen to what this part has to say non-judgmentally and compassionately. Remember nothing is right, wrong, good, or bad. Accept everything just as it is.

How did that feel?

In this exercise, we gain an understanding of our inner truth that remains unseen and unheard.

You'd also notice that 'the anxious part' within you wants to prepare for the worst. Just the mere understanding that both these parts wish the best for you can help you let them be. This will enable you to focus on other activities. Anxiety can also take a self-critical form and tell us that it can demotivate us and keep us from being our true selves.

Kristin Neff's theory of Self-Compassion talks about how to be more compassionate to ourselves.

She spoke about ‘common humanity’ which explains that every emotion that we feel and experience, is part of being a human. And that others experience similar discomfort. In this way, we're all together in our suffering.

So, you can draw comfort from knowing that you are not alone. She also talks about self-kindness, which means treating yourself as you would treat someone you dearly love.

It would mean understanding your suffering consciously, reminding yourself that you care about it, and acting in ways to improve it.

Here's an exercise to overcome self-downing thoughts.

Begin by acknowledging your discomfort. You can tell yourself, “This is a moment of suffering.”

Next reflect on what it is that you would like to hear from someone that can help you feel supported. Let's write it down in our journal:

Write words of kindness and support for yourself.

Lovely, you can use this phrase whenever you speak to yourself harshly.

You've come a long way and it has been a pleasure to be with you all this while.

Thank you for showing up for yourself.

Here's a parting note: the next time you feel anxious, remember that it's okay to feel anxious. Some days are great and others may appear to be the worst. The bad too shall pass. Become aware of how you want to treat yourself in the face of external discomfort. Notice the urge to be self-critical and transform that into kindness.

Lastly, remember that you have gone through things you never prepared for and still worked through them. Even if anything comes up, you still have the strength to overcome it.

I hope you found this helpful. Thank you.

Take care and Just be 💜