Relationship and Anxiety: What Causes it and What to do About It

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Mar 29, 2022

✨POV✨It's like everything's great on the outside but somehow, it's the anxious what-ifs that steer the relationship towards chaos. Is any of this in our control?

TBH, relationships are complex.

Mainly because the good days aren't promised 24/7.

But would you say that the bad parts involve anxious feelings that blow things out of proportion?

In other words, would you be happier if you did not feel anxious throughout the relationship and on edge even when there aren't that many reasons to be?

If the answer is yes, my friend, all we need to do is peel back the layers of anxiety.

What are anxiety disorders? 🤔

Well, there's anxiety, and then there are anxiety disorders.

The difference?

Anxiety, or anxiousness, is a normal, earthly emotion.

On the other hand, anxiety disorders are mental illnesses and, like other mental health conditions, impact our mental health and well-being.

It's when we have difficulty concentrating on the here and now.

There is an intense fear looming over something that may or may not happen in the future for people with anxiety disorders.

The thoughts that our anxiety disorder cooks up, which feel like a bitter dose of medicine, are like fuel being added to the fire, causing severe anxiety disorders or even chronic anxiety disorders.

What causes anxiety disorders? 😅

Let's look back at our early childhood with anxiety as the focus to understand our anxiety disorders.

There are two ways we ended up as members of the Anxious Youth Club. (Nope, not a real thing.)

👉🏽 Genetic predisposition:

This means that because people at home have a history of anxiety disorders, you could be prone to having one, too. Genetics, amirite?

If your anxiety disorder is brought on by genetic predisposition, chances are, even when you have little or no reason to be anxious, you are.

👉🏽 Traumatic events or environmental factors:

Anxiety disorders can respond to disturbing events and events that trigger anxiety. You might have experienced something in your early life that brought on your anxiety disorder.

It could also be the environment you grew up in that inadvertently fostered your anxiety disorder, giving you intense anxiety.

Anxiety symptoms in a relationship 👀

Here's a quick glimpse into how anxiety disorders affect our brain and thought processes:

"What are they doing right now?"

"They're meeting old friends, but could they be flirting?"

"Why didn't they pick up my calls? Something is up."

"I feel stupid, and they will get tired of me soon."

It doesn't end with these thoughts.

Our brain has an infinite capacity to develop scenarios and stories - both a blessing and a curse.

It's a curse when it costs us our mental health and impacts our behavior negatively.

These negative thoughts manifest themselves as physical symptoms and signs of anxiety disorders.

👉🏽 There's overwhelming worry and seemingly unexplainable heart palpitations that can lead to panic attacks (panic attacks happen when intense fear overpowers our capacity to think or even breathe).

👉🏽 These troublesome feelings trigger us and make us irritable and restless.

👉🏽 Anxiety disorders can also manifest as chronic stomach aches and migraines.

This is common because there are a lot of open emotional wounds that we've lugged around from our childhood that now influence the way we feel and behave. These wounds call the shots with our emotions.

What happens then?

More often than not, the emotion that these open wounds manifest quickly transitions to anger.

And what anger does is, it clouds our judgment, arming us with weapons to defend ourselves from more potential hurt.

Those weapons?

Passive-aggressiveness, outbursts, or even the infamous silent treatment.

They aren’t really constructive to the situation nor prevent us from letting our anxiousness take control of our thoughts.

Neither does it boost our mental health.

Unlearning these responses and letting go of these weapons is one way to conquer this situation. Equipping ourselves with better tools to fight the irrationality that our anxiety disorder brings is another way to gain control over our spiraling thoughts, fears, and mental health.

How?

For that, it helps to understand how we form attachments with people.

The role of attachment styles in relationships 👥

Attachment styles show us the kind of relationship we had with our primary caregivers or parents during our early years that we mimic or carry well into other relationships as adults.

Anxious attachment 🥶

Simply put, this attachment style takes its roots in fear of abandonment, and not feeling seen and appreciated.

It makes it tough to trust that the person you're with will stick by you through it all.

You're afraid that intimacy is one-sided and may want constant reassurance because being alone is a scary, scary thought.

This leads to clinginess, insecurity, jealousy, and low self-esteem.

Avoidant attachment 😶

This type of attachment style stems from a childhood where emotions were taught to be suppressed and extreme independence as a child was normalized. As adults with this attachment style, commitment seems like a far-fetched idea.

They are usually the ones who are wary of partners that are clingy and would avoid vulnerability and intimacy.

Secure attachment 🤗

This is what an ideal attachment looks like.

This is when a child was brought up in a safe environment, where their emotions were heard and handled in a healthy way.

As adults, they aren't afraid to put themselves out there and be honest about how they feel at any moment. They aren't uncomfortable around conflict and thrive in committed, trusting relationships.

Nice, isn't it?

So, how do we get there?

Ways to deal with anxiety disorder and its manifestations 🤔

👉🏽 Communicate

No one truly knows how our anxiety disorders affect our minds the way we do.

This means that our anxiety disorder remains a mysterious realm to our partners for as long as we keep them in the dark about it.

Let your partner in on what causes your anxiety.

It doesn't have to be confrontational.

Describe your anxiety to them in the best way you know how, and let go of any thought that tells you you're a burden.

Easier said than done? Doesn't have to be!

Check out the guided session designed by mental health specialists on being. Here's one you can start with - I worry I'll be a burden to people if I share my pain with them.

👉🏽 Embrace vulnerability

Does your anxiety disorder trigger your craving for reassurance?

Does it make you possessive?

Does the anxiety disorder also make it hard to put your heart on the line and trust your partner?

It takes courage to face your fear and admit to your partner how your anxiety disorder makes you feel.

It takes courage to let your partner into your world of anxiety, in all its severity, where everything is confusing and chaotic at the same time.

With vulnerability comes intimacy.

It helps to let go of those weapons we've been holding on to all this while.

👉🏽 Practice patience and self-compassion

Every good thing takes time.

So does this journey of healing you're about to step into.

Your anxiety disorder did not show up overnight. It has somehow even taken control of your personality traits.

So, taking back control is a process that warrants your time.

But honestly, this can only work if you sit with yourself and accept that you are not defined by your anxiety disorders.

One way to do that is by letting go of the shame, guilt, fear, and worry you carry along with your anxiety disorder.

Would you shame a friend for leading a life with anxiety disorders?

👉🏽 Accept what you're not in control of

Anxiety disorders and anxiety symptoms make us feel like we need to be in control to lead our lives.

From Plan A- Plan Z, our anxiety disorder has taken the job of convincing us to fear the unknown.

In reality, regardless of the stress and worry, the future is not in our control.

What we have with us is the present. The facts.

Next time you're taking the express train to Anxietyville, ask yourself "Am I riding the irrational train of thought right now?"

In the end 🤗

Relationships are tough especially when your anxiety disorder is the third wheel.

If your anxiety disorder is squeezing every bit of life out of your relationship, know that help is around. You just have to look for it.

There are mental health professionals that can help you cope with this. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy or CBT is one such tool that can help counter those anxious thoughts and behavior.

In case you're looking for easier ways to access such tools, check out being. Yup - there are mini guided therapies and tools like CBT which you can access any time you want. It can also be a regular activity to do with your partner!

Your anxiety disorder and its symptoms can be overcome, one day at a time.

Remember - regardless, you're worth every bit of love coming your way! Don't worry. Breathe, and just live life!

Disclaimer

Self-therapy is not a substitute for professional mental health therapy. Your mental health disorders or mental illness (like panic attack/panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, separation anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, and other anxiety disorders) can be overcome with the consistent guidance of a therapist.